Reading back on my old posts and reflecting how I felt while writing, I remember feeling quite apprehensive about being a 'Younger Goth' and having just moved to a new city, Melbourne, after spending 12 or so years living out in a rural environment. I felt that I did not fit in to my school and had no like minded Goth friends who I could share my life and interests with. I would be lying if I said that my time spent on the internet didn't help to fill that void.
Anyway, fast forward back to now, after living in Melbourne for the second time (I was born here), for almost three years, I've certainly felt more comfortable being a Goth In Melbourne. I've been clubbing (five times only!), been to a picnic or two and spent much time in the local shops, immersing myself in the culture as much as I can and meeting new people. I've also became quite good friends with a fair few lovely ladies from the internet, and became 'internet friends' with many more, as well as had relationships developed with other Goths in person.
No longer do I avoid eye contact with older Goths or make stuttered conversation with anyone who strikes up a conversation. I used to feel that my personal style was secondary to the others who had access to the shops to develop their wardrobes for years while living in a city where there was lots of variety, while I barely could (and still cannot) afford clothes from op shops.
Now I have the confidence to dress up, dance and have a nice old time while out and not feel like I'm being judged for being myself. Men have asked for my phone numbers, and I've been photographed and complimented on my clothes and my makeup which has definately helped my confidence and sense of self identity. I feel like an adult now, despite being only 20 in 9 months, and I can be a mature adult while not sacrificing any part of me that helped to shape and develop my identity as a child and a younger teenager. I also feel that, mainly having spent time looking at pretty pictures on the internet and on others at clubs and events, my tastes in clothes have developed, matured and become more sophisticated. Now I put a lot of effort into my appearence while being out in public, and over time I feel that has paid off, despite my frequent masses of torn clothing, smudged makeup and matted hair.
I still feel very young, but feel so at home in my scene now. It's embarassing, but when I walk into a club I think to myself, subconsciously, 'Yay, I feel comfortable here.' and it's such a good feeling.
xxx Lilly
